Surprised by Success

23 11 2010

Me in the face of success!

In my last entry I was surprised by the amount of sadness I carry around and have access to on a daily basis.  I am learning to better feel the weight of that sadness and to be more willing to work through the un

easiness of crying and feeling sad in order to experience a lightness and resulting joy.  This past week however, it was not sadness that caught me off guard, rather it was my own success.

I am a good public speaker, in fact my colleague Amy and I recently hosted a singles workshop, and yet what I am learning through this is that I don’t like to brag.  I have a very narrow definition of positive attention, and have been taught to think that any type of self-promotion is bragging.  I learned pretty early on that bragging was bad, it was arrogant, and did not lead to the type of humility that God expected of me; it was selfish.  In expanding my definition of positive attention, I am testing out exactly what the boundary is between bragging and positive affirmation, and looking to my support team to give me the feedback of when I have gone too far.  So far that has yet to happen!  Meaning there is a ton of positive attention available to me, I only need to be willing to ask for it and be willing to receive it once it is given.

I have some old messages or tapes that play in my head as it relates to receiving praise- “They don’t mean it, they only want something from me in return;” “If they really knew me they wouldn’t be praising me for this;” “They are only flattering me, it is not genuine.”  I have historically had a d

ifficult time accepting praise, and yet that is one of my deepest hungers to know that I exist, that I am good, and that I am worthy of love and attention.  At my core I both yearn to have those beliefs affirmed, and believe deep down that I am not worthy enough to have those needs met.  I am caught in a bind.  I want what I don’t believe that I deserve (positive attention), and so the type of attention I believe I deserve (negative attention) is stuff that I don’t really want.


What I am beginning to believe about myself

I am shifting my view of the world, whereas I once saw a scarcity of positive attention, I am seeing that it is abundant to those who seek it.  I have my sights set on that, on creating situations for myself in which I will receive affirmation and to also be engaged in activity worthy of praise.  I am learning to trust, to trust myself and the world that there is abundance out there and that I already have the tools to access and benefit from that abundance!




2 responses

24 11 2010
Jen Brock

Andrew, you have blown me away with your courageous openness! I like it! I must confess that in relation to this topic, I believe Julia Roberts in Pretty Women said it best, “the bad stuff is easier to believe.” This is shortly followed by a policeman who gave a speech in my Kindergarten class asserting that, “no matter what happens to does not change your worth.” This was explained by him holding up a 20$ bill and asking how much it is worth and then crinkling it, rolling it in a ball then making it dirty where he proceeded to ask once again…”how much is it worth?” Both are good advice and both can have a reflective outcome on how we view ourselves. Therefore, #1) while I do not know you very well let me tell you that, so far, I believe you are an amazing person. Someone to be looked up to, cared for and respected! You are a phenomenal writer, a great public speaker and someone who is open, honest and nice to all. (You’re pretty cute too)  So in case you do not hear it enough…here is the truth…Please believe it and please fully embrace these qualities! In addition realize that these are something to be proud of and in being proud of the good person you are you are not bragging but instilling strength and confidence in yourself. I had a boyfriend in high school that was great, but very insecure so I told him all the time how great he was (because he was) and he grew up into an arrogant jerk. I believe being arrogant is captivated by someone who feels they are better than others and therefore, closes them off to people as seen less-worthy (you can use your power for good or for eveil). So my advice is to be confident and proud of the great guy you are but remain open to all. #2) If anything has happened to you that has made you feel less worthy or insecure…follow the advice of the policeman from my kindergarten class. Nothing can change your worth except the way you see yourself! I am sorry that more people have not been honest with you about your vast gifts everyday of your life (perhaps they too were insecure…good thing I am here lol), but know that as long as your heart is genuine and you are aware of what you do not want to become you have no chance of becoming conceited or bigheaded.

24 11 2010
Jen Brock

Note, with confidence, people may try to pull you down if they themselves are insecure…that is why the strength part is important! Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

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